


Vampires and the Women Who Love Them

by St_Salieri



Series: Vampires and the Women Who Love Them [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, Humor, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-30
Updated: 2008-11-30
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St_Salieri/pseuds/St_Salieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would happen if the vampire/human pairings from BtVS, True Blood and Twilight sat down for a little chat with an inquisitive talk show host?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampires and the Women Who Love Them

 

[The following transcript has been provided free of charge. All rights belong to ABS and Edsel Entertainment. May not be copied or distributed without prior written consent.]

 

THE AMY ANDERSON SHOW, airdate 11.25.08

 

[Audience applauds. ANDERSON enters.]

ANDERSON: Thank you! Thank you, everyone, and welcome to today's show. We've got a special treat for you today. If you've been paying attention to the world of entertainment, you've probably noticed that a pair of pointed teeth and a fear of the sun are the hottest new fashion trends around. That's right: vampires are making a comeback. Turn on the TV, go to the movies, or crack open a book, and you'll find that the Princes of the Night are more popular now than they've ever been since the days of Bram Stoker himself. But what are vampires really like? Well, today we'll find out, from three women who are in relationships with actual vampires. Our guests will tell us about the challenges of an interspecies relationship, and share their tips and tricks that will help _you_ find the bloodsucker of your dreams. Please welcome to the show Bella Swan, Sookie Stackhouse and Buffy Summers!

[Guests enter. Audience applauds, then gasps as SWAN trips over one of the chairs.]

ANDERSON: Ladies, have a seat. Thanks for being here with us today. As you know, we're here to discuss what it's like to be in a relationship with a vampire. Bella, you're dating Edward, right?

SWAN: Yes.

ANDERSON: Tell us a little about how you met. What attracted him to you?

SWAN: Well, we met at school. I was new in town, and he was in my biology class. And the first time I saw him...wow. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

ANDERSON: He was handsome?

SWAN: Handsome doesn't even begin to describe it. He was perfect, like an angel. His skin is smooth and glistens like marble, his breath smells delicious...everything about him is perfect. But even more than that, there was something in his eyes that drew me in. From the first moment I saw him, he dazzled me.

ANDERSON: Wow, he sounds pretty special. So it was love at first sight?

SWAN: Not exactly. I thought he hated me at first. But he was just trying to keep himself from getting too attached to me. But then he saved my life, and that's when I started to figure out what he was, and how special and amazing he really is. I still don't know what he sees in me, but I know I can't live without him.

[Audience applauds.]

ANDERSON: How about you, Sookie? Did you know right away that your man was a vampire?

STACKHOUSE: Yes ma'am. I felt it right away, the second he came into the diner. It was pretty exciting having an actual vampire show up at work. I'd been waiting for months to see one.

ANDERSON: And were you also, uh, dazzled?

STACKHOUSE: Yeah, I don't know what that means. I mean, Bill's good looking, that's for sure. But aside from the fangs and the cold skin, he looks pretty much like any human. But you can just _feel_ there's something different about him. And he saved my life, more than once.

[Audience applauds.]

ANDERSON: Well, that seems to a be a pattern, doesn't it? How about you, Buffy? Tell us about how you met Spike. Did you know right away there was something special about him?

SUMMERS: In the sense that I knew he was a vampire? Pretty much. The first time we met, he threatened to kill me.

[Audience gasps.]

ANDERSON: But he didn't mean it, right? He was just trying to scare you off, or fight his attraction to you?

SUMMERS: No, he pretty much meant it. I could tell by the fact that he, you know, actually kept trying to kill me. But I kept trying to kill him right back, so I guess we're even.

ANDERSON: Buffy, I understand you're the leader of a secret organization called the Slayers, an association that has been labeled a hate group by the Society for the Protection of Undead Americans.

[Audience boos.]

SUMMERS: Huh? Protection of the what now?

ANDERSON: Is it not the purpose of the Slayers to hunt down and destroy vampires?

SUMMERS: Uh, yeah?

ANDERSON: And you aren't at all apologetic about that?

SUMMERS: Nope. I save the world. It's what I do. I'm sorry, did I accidentally step into crazy dimension or something?

STACKHOUSE: Believe me, I know how creepy vampires can be, especially the ones who live in packs and don't even try to mainstream. But don't you think you're being a little harsh? I mean, look at all of the horrors humanity's been responsible for. It doesn't take fangs to be evil.

[Audience applauds.]

SUMMERS: Are you all serious with this?

ANDERSON: Let's get back to Spike. How does he feel about being in a relationship with someone who has sworn to kill his kind?

SUMMERS: Honestly, it kinda turns him on. But he's a massive pervert, so....

ANDERSON: Ah, and now we get to one of the most intriguing parts of vampire mythology. Buffy, what is it like having a supernatural lover? You're the only one of our three guests who's been with both mortal men and vampires - not just one, but two! How do the two species compare in bed?

SUMMERS: Well, I haven't been with _that_ many, but thanks for making me sound like a total slut.

ANDERSON: I didn't mean....

SUMMERS: Okay, fine. You want the dirt? The sex is fantastic, okay? He's strong and fast and doesn't need to breathe and has muscles, like, everywhere. He does this thing with his tongue that I swear isn't natural. He lets me take charge, which has got to be the hottest thing ever. And he's _fun_. Do you know how great it is to be with a guy who has fun during sex?

ANDERSON: Bella? You seem to be a bit uncomfortable. What's wrong?

SWAN: Nothing. It just...doesn't sound very romantic.

SUMMERS: That's because you haven't seen what he can do with his tongue. Seriously? Not natural.

SWAN: It doesn't sound like love.

SUMMERS: Wow. You have _no_ idea what you're talking about. It would be funny if it wasn't so _High School Musical_.

ANDERSON: Bella, talk to us. What about the romance between you and Edward?

SWAN: We haven't done...you know. Not yet. I wouldn't mind, but he's afraid of hurting me. He wants to wait until we're married and he makes me into a vampire.

ANDERSON: Wow, a guy who's all about commitment! You don't find many men like him nowadays!

[Audience applauds.]

SUMMERS: Are you serious? You're serious, aren't you?

SWAN: He's so strong, and his skin is so smooth and hard. We've only kissed so far, but...well, his kisses make me faint.

SUMMERS: Oh. My _God_. You want him to turn you? Are you insane?

[Audience boos.]

SWAN: He's the one I'm supposed to be with forever! He's all I have. You don't understand how much we love each other!

SUMMERS: Oh, please. "He's my soulmate and I can't live without him and when he kisses me I want to die and blah blah blah." Been there, done that, got the scars. Then I graduated from high school.

SWAN: You're just jealous!

SUMMERS: Yes, that's it exactly. Look, I'm just saying I've been there, okay? I'm sure you love him, and he loves you. But why don't you take some time to actually enjoy this world you're so quick to throw away? Go to college! Take a road trip with your girlfriends! You're lucky to have options. Not everyone does.

SWAN: I don't need any girlfriends. Edward is everything to me.

SUMMERS: Whatever, Chanterelle. Just don't start crying if you wind up on the wrong side of Mr. Pointy.

ANDERSON: And it's almost time for our first commercial break! Before we leave, I'd like to hear about the challenges of being with a vampire. What would you change, if you could?

STACKHOUSE: I wish he could sleep in a regular bed during the day so we could be together like a normal couple, you know? The sun thing can be hard to deal with. It's so hard having to leave him in the ground like that.

SWAN: I wish I was more beautiful so I could be worthy of him. And I wish we could be together _now_ , instead of having to wait. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.

[Audience coos.]

SUMMERS: Kill me now.

ANDERSON: And what about you, Buffy? Tell me about the tragic side of loving a vampire.

SUMMERS: Well...I wish he would pick up his socks more, and remember to wash out his mugs right away. Otter's blood stains like you wouldn't believe. Other than that? We're pretty good right now. Hi, honey!

[SUMMERS waves to the camera.]

ANDERSON: And it's time for a break. When we get back, we'll hear from a vampire who claims he was cursed...with a soul. We'll hear from this modern-day Lestat all about his tragic tale and how he found his destiny...right after commercials.

SUMMERS: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

[Audience applauds.

Commercial.]

 


End file.
